What did Lot say while

What did Lot say while trying to revive his wife right after she turned into a pillar of salt?
Yechi Hamelech

Women tells husband I think

Women tells husband I think I'm losing my mind H: I'm not surprised, you've been giving me a piece of it 4 the past 20 years!

How is Opera like an

How is Opera like an Operation? Both start with a lot of shrieking, then people in costumes say things you don't understand, in the en

Fwd: e



---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: VidYid <yidvid@gmail.com>
Date: Fri, Aug 28, 2009 at 4:45 PM
Subject: e
To: reb_yid.tyty@blogger.com


e

< B202 and f83 with the bus the kid was transported by chopper with trauma injuries!!
l77 and w67
Subject: Upoc message to H-base close

Hatzolah call in shalva on rt.17b about 2 hours ago kid under a golf car c11 w104 backed-up r

3:30PM: Chassidim are now calling a demostration in front of the police station on State Police Road, due to arrest of the Bocher.
The cheder fiasco is offically over. Zeev rothcshild has oficially taken over and is working hard to catch up. First check is tomorrow
Tragedy in Israel, yingerman went swimming with 4 kids in Ashkelon separate beach drowned R'L while trying to save his kid.
of the Flu in the school.

The Swine Flu has now been hitting the Frum community hard.

ed on 10th Avenue near 43rd Street will be closed on Wednesday due to the Swine Flu.

It is unknown if there are any suspected cases

Bais Bracha in Boro Park Forced To Close Due To Swine Flu

Boro Park, New York: Bais Bracha, Karlin Stolin, Girls High School locat

Levaya of Rav Elya Svei.




Levaya of Rav Elya Svei. see www.VidYid.com

You might be Yeshivish, if every time you fill the gas tank, your car doubles in value!
The only time a Yeshiva Bochur's bed is made is when it's in the factory!
Wife:Theres a Parshas Zucher but what about Parshas Nekeiva?
Husb:That we also have, its called Parshas Parah
A guy was looking for his lost wallet. His brother found it. Now he's looking for his brother.
A shvigger is like snow it comes for a day and leaves damage for a week!


..

In my house eveything goes with "money orders"-
I give the money, and my wife gives the orders!
What do you call a lady that works as hard as a man?
Lazy...
The East Coast blizzard is part of Obama's Stimulas Plan, all the Black Folks making money shoveling the snow!
The best way to get revenge against someone you really hate is to buy his son a drum set!
Patience is something you admire in the driver behind you and scorn in the one ahead.
Patient: Doctor, I feel suicidal, what do you recommend?
Doctor: I recommend that you pay in advance!
I just heard of an awesome Segula! A old, fat bocher walked on a treadmill for 40 days and he became a chosen!
REMEMBER to remember to erase the remembrance of Amalek so they can be forgotten and don't forget!
Where in Davening do we see a raaya to flat tires?
From "Teitsei ruchoi yoshuv leadmosoy" (think about it...)
Where does it mention cell phones in SHEMA? Vedebarta bum, bishivticha bivesecha, uvilechticha baderech etc...
How do we know that Achashveirosh was Chassidish? He only met the girls once!
News alert! Bernie Madoff pardoned by Prez Obama. Madoff to be offered leading position in the treasury dept!
I am the most anti-social person I know. Of course because I'm anti-social I don't know too many people...
There are 2 rules for success- but the first rule is to never tell anyone what you know.
If you want I can give you a free ticket to Lizensk...
Just make a stop in Japan and leave something there...
*Jewpoc
I gave a piece of Matza to a blind man today. He touched it and said "who wrote this nonsense!?"
I was up all night wondering where the sun went. Then it dawned on me...
The only solution to the economic recession is for every one of Obama's nominees pay their taxes!
Someone asked me how often WindowsVista crashes. I answered: every hour, every half hour, &when it breaks...
Wife madly complaining to salesman at beauty shop: I want my husband pay more attention 2 me. Got ne perfume tht smells lk blackberry?
2dy Obama tk time out of his busy day 2 read a book 2 a group of children. It was a fairy tale abt cabinet nominee h) paid al hs txes!
My car's unbelievable! It tells me when I'm going too fast, reminds me whn I take wrong turn, & if I get lost it yell. Its calld wife!
2/2 at me. Its called a wife!
1/2 My car is unbelievable! It tells me when I'm going too fast, reminds me when I take a wrong turn, & if I get lost it yells
I was up all night wondering where the sun went. Then it dawned on me...
There are 3 kinds of people that I absolutely hate:
1.Racists
2.Pollaks
3.Hypocrites
4.And people who can't count!
There are three things I can't stand!
1) Racists
2) Pollaks
3) Hypocrites
There are two things that I absolutely hate:
Racist jokes and Pollaks.
I'm not a racist or anything, but 99% of Pollaks give the rest a bad name.
What did the chinese couple name their retarted baby?
Sum Ting Wong.
A man sees gas prices went down so he turns to his wife and says "at least now we can afford to fill up the car we're living in".
Q:Why did the chelemer stare at the can of frozen orange juice for two hours?
A:Because the can said "concentrate" on it.
A man is the head of the family and the wife is the neck. The neck turns the head exactly the way it wants.
Did you hear about the guy who threw a piano down a shaft? He got a flat minor!
See him make money disappear, watch him turn a millionaire homeless, & witness him escape jail using cash- ITS BERNIE MADOFF LIVE!
At first, Pharoh was in "deNILE" about using the facilities, but in the end, the truth "LEAKed" out!
Unconfirmed: Yad L'Achim on a rescue mission to release Rochel Emainu from gaza.
2/2 v'al ta'ase.
1/2 *When Moshe met Paroh by the Nile the 1st thing he said was vus machst tu?
*Constipation min HaTorah minayin? Dichsiv shev
Unconfirmed: Yad L'Achim on a rescue mission to release Rochel Imainu from gaza.
A Chelmer saw the signs that said "Wet Floor," and thought they were instructions.
A food Health speaker asked: Which food causes d most suffering 4 yrs,after u eat it?
An old man answered: Wedding cake.
Husband: I'll admit I'm wrong if you'll admit I'm right. Wife: I agree! u go first. Hus: Ok...I'm wrong. Wife: ur right
I have a weight problem, i cant wait to eat...
Police were at the white house yesterday because neighbors were complaining about loud music...
Why Are Wives More Dangerous Than The Mafia.?? The Mafia Wants Either Your Money Or Life . . . But The Wives Wants both...
I'm now in the food stamps office and my case worker is no other then: Michele Obama!!!!
Husband: I'll admit I'm wrong if you'll admit I'm right. Wife: I agree! u go first. Hus: Ok...I'm wrong. Wife: ur right
DAILY SENATE SCHEDULE:
We are open from 12pm to 1pm, with one hour off for lunch.
Zoo officals: Monkeys acting very hyper since January 20!
They put a bullet proof glass around the president so he shouldn't shoot anybody!
"DISCRIMINATION!" says the president, "the worst hardest job in the world was given to a "black" guy"!
Martin Luther King had a dream... We've gotten ourselves a nightmare...
What does the Mitzva of Kibud Av V'aim have in common with drinking beer? The reward for both is langa urine...
The only things missing at the inauguration were a platform & auctioneer!
A guy filed a lawsuit against kupat ha'ir alleging he paid for prayers 40 days at Kever Rochel and it turns out she wasn't even there - she was in Gaza.
None of my TVs are working... Every channel shows planet of the apes taking over the white house.
Little girl: Tatty, I thought you're older than mommy?
Tatty: I am older!
Girl: So how come she's always telling you what to do?
Can you believe it? There were 2 million people at the inauguration & none of them had to miss work!
New York Police gave 2 tickets to the pilot of US Airways.
1. Reckless driving.
2. PARKING in a NO parking zone.
A husband is like a sheitel.
Its always messy and driving you nuts and you always feel like you want to get it off your head.
What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A widow.
A wife is like a Striemel, it costs you a fortune, it sits on your head and sits around all week doing nothing.
Explaining a joke is like dissecting a frog. Nobody's interested & the frog dies...
Whats the difference between a live Brisker and a dead one? One is a gavra, the other is a cheftza!
If you ever lied through your tooth - you might be a Redneck!
I took down my x-mas lights because they remind me of Spics.
They all hang out together, half of them don't work, and the ones that do aren't that bright!


It's gonna be so cold this Shabbos, that for once, even Bernie Madoff will stick his hands in his own pockets!
A brisker bochur found on the plane just now. He wasn't sure if he was on the plane long enough to say Tfilos Haderech.
Breaking news! They just found a Chasidisher Bocher on the plane. Apparently he was waiting til the end of the movie.
According to reporters "PETA" was the first to respond, they were working pretty hard to save the birds...
On Shabbos you are allowed to use a Kosher Phone because it's only a clock.
Boats are now heading out from Boro Park to the Hudson River to collect all small soap and free earphones from the wreckage.
US Airways is offering direct flights to the Intrepid (price includes giant swimming pool & boating).
Yesterday a lady gave bread to a bird to eat. Out of appriciation the bird told her not to go on a plane on Thursday over Manhattan.
Snow is like a shviger, it comes for a half hour and makes Tzores for 2 weeks...
It's so cold out there that people are actually throwing shoes at Al Gore!
Due to the financial crises many bank robbers have reportedly been filing chapter 11!
Alcohol may not be the answer, but it sure helps you forget the question!
3 Rosh Yeshivas were at a Chasuna.
One got Sidur Kidushen, the 2nd got Brocha Achrita, and the 3rd got a heart attack!
What does the sign say above the nursery in a Palestinian maternity ward? "Live ammunition."
Why are there no Six Flags in Mexico?
Because no one there is tall enough to go on the rides!
Did you hear about the new pharmacy that opned in Harlem?
Its called Duane Can't Read!
The Kalachnikov-Molotov wedding was a blast!
What is the the difference between BMG and a beer bottle?
The beer starts in the market & ends up in a freezer, in BMG you start in the freezer and end up on the market.
On Wednesday night, the lady called the taxi company - demanded full refund for her tip!
A little boy asked his father: Daddy, how much does it cost to get married? - I don't know son, I'm still paying...
An arab lady gave an Israeli taxi driver a tip, and he told her not to go to Gaza for the next few days!
Ladies in Lakewood are now protesting the new Tznius rules, stating they are being denied the 2nd amendment: The Right To Bear Arms!
Bumper sticker on a taxi: Tip your Taxi Driver, It May Save the World!
How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
NEWS UPDATE: Taxi drivers worldwide express their utter surprise on the sudden increase of tipping the drivers!
The story about the Jewish lady tipping the Arab taxi driver who told her to stay out of Manhattan is false:
JEWS NEVER TIP!
Why is it that lemon juice is made with artifical taste and flavor, while dishwasher soap is made with REAL lemon?
Did you hear about the mattress tester who was fired?
He was caught awake on the job!
Husband: Why do you bentch lecht and me you curse?
Wife: When you will burn like the lecht, I'll bentch you too...
Why is a man like the weather?
Nothing can be done to change either one of them.
A Yid took a taxi today & he didn't give a tip to the muslim driver, the driver told him he should be in manhattan this Wednesday.
The Amshenover Rebbe asked his Gabbai, if it's dangerous to sleep in the Succah during the war, because of rocket threats.
Breaking: A Rocket just fell on a cemetery...
No survivors at ALL!
I just returned from a visit to the Doctor, He told me I have obsessive, compulsive, compulsive, compulsive, compulsive, disorder.
Whats better than steak
More evil than Olmert
The poor have it
The rich need it
And if you eat it you die?


Nothing!

The economy is so bad, people are lining up behind the president only to get free shoes!
If you smoke 1 less cigarette a week then you usually do, you'll live longer, which means you'll have more time to smoke!
If youre going through a rough time don't tell your friends, tell your enemies-they'll be far more interested in hearing it!
Israel's trying to get rid of 1 PLO as cover up, so that they shouldnt have to get rid of the real PLO: Perez Livni Olmert!
A Palestinian girl says to her mommy, "After Abdul blows up, can I have his room?"
What does the sign say above the nursery in a Palestinian maternity ward? "Live ammunition."
Q: How long does it take for an Arab to create a bomb?
A: Exactly 9 Months...
If you smoke 1 less cigarette a week then you usually do, you'll live longer, which means you'll have more time to smoke!
I'm busy now. Could I ignore you some other time?
A Palestinian girl says to her mommy, "After Abdul blows up, can I have his room?"
My Shviger's dying wish was to have me sitting on her lap.
She was in the electric chair...
What is worse than finding a worm in your apple? Finding half a worm!
Did you hear about the new Chassidish debit card? You charge it, and the money comes straight out of the government.
What do you call a Lubavitcher minyan that davens quickly?
Jiffy Lube!
Tosfos nittul - d'oraisoh oiy d'rabanan?
Last week was the second time in history that a pair of shoes were removed in the presence of a Bush...
Guy to doctor: "my hair is falling out. Do u have anything for me ?" Doctor: "yes. a bag!"
Wife: The kids are so smart they must have gotten their brain from me.
Husband: It must be, 'cause I still have mine'.
Whats the opposite of Mentos? Ladyfingers.
My wife asked me what i'm doing today, I said "Nothing".
She said, "U did that yesterday."I said "I didn't finish..."
A man walks into a hardware store: "Where can I put my clothes?"
Salesman: What do u mean?
"I saw a sign: FREE MIKVAH INSIDE
Global Warming is like having fever. They tell you that you're very hot, but really you feel freezing cold!
A short summary of every Jewish holiday:
They tried to kill us.
We won.
Lets eat.
The real reason why we eat latkes on chanuka:
If you eat only one it still burns inside for eight days.
What's the opposite of money ?
Fat. Cause it's easy 2 make & hard 2 lose, & money is hard 2 make & easy 2 lose.
If Adam and Chava were chinese, then we would all still be in Gan-Eden, because they would've ate the snake!
My wife loves Sales. She'll buy anything that's marked Down. Yesterday she came home with an ESCALATOR.
Please contribute to an emergency financial appeal for the Amshinover Rebbe, who is still paying $4/gallon for gas.
Gabai giving aliya:What's ur name?
Guest: Ester bas Moshe
Gabai: YOUR name!
Guest: Everything is under my wife's name...
What do you call two women fighting in a mikveh?
Niddah k'neged niddah!
How do we know Eisav was a Rebbe?
1. He ate with his hands.
2. He Wore a fur coat.
3. He Couldn't wait for his father to die.
4. He sent 400 Chasidim to kill his brother!
3. He Couldn't wait for his father to die.
4. He sent 400 Chasidim to kill his brother!
A drunk man came in court.
Judge says you've been brought here for drinking.
Drunk says: Ok, lets get started.
Son: Dad can u write in the dark ?
Father: I think so,what do u want me to write ?
Son: Your name on this report card..
Doctor! Doctor! Help me I keep getting smaller !!
Doctor: well you just have to be a little patient..!
Dad: Son, what do you want for your 18th birthday ?
Son: Just a radio, dad.... With a sports car around it.
A drunk man came in court.
Judge says you've been brought here for drinking.
Drunk says: Ok, lets get started.
Why don't u daven?
Cuz when i got married everybody told me "oi vi git hosty gedavent" so now i dont daven...
What Shem are U mechaven in shower?
Shem Poo.
I begged my wife that she shouldn't buy anything for my birthday, and she still didn't buy anything.
What do you say to your wife when the supper is no good?
'Git is nisht dus vort'...
Mashgiach: what's gonna be with you, you're not learning ?
Bocher: I'll also be a mashgiach...
What is the difference between Batman and a black man? Batman can go to the store without Robin.
What would you want most to be told at your Levaya?
Look he's moving! He's moving!!!
Customer: May I try on that dress in the window?
Clerk: No maam you'll have to use the fitting room like everyone else..
If you jog backwards, do you gain weight??...
They made a new Obama quarter, but there is already a recall on them.
The lips keep getting caught in the vending machines!
Why is there a sink near the towels in shul??
Because if you by mistake touch the towel...
You should have a sink right near it!
If one of your wife's shaitels cost more than both of your cars... You Might Be Yeshivish!
What's the difference between a hot mikveh and a bowl of chulent? In Mikveh u say Ouch & then ahhh, chulent you say ahhh & then Ouch.
My wife says I never listen, or something like that...
How many pessimists does it take to change a light bulb? Never mind. No one is going to get the joke anyway...
If it wasn't for the NBA, there would be a lot of tall garbage men...
Mom: Moshe'le why does it take u so long to put in the salt in d salt shaker?
Moshe'le: Cuz it has very tiny holes..
My shviger ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" Following her I yelled "No, jump in!
What should you do if a Polish soldier throws a pin at you?
Run like mad, cuz he's got the grenade in his mouth!
What do you do if a Polish soldier throws a gernade at you?
Pull out the pin and throw it back...
Rumors are like pictures they start as a negative, gets developed and are often enlarged.
I'm not depressed i'm just a litvak!!!
I'm not drunk i'm just a chabadsker!!!
You might be a Redneck if:
You own one house that is mobile, and three cars that are not.
My wife says I never listen, or something like that...
Did you hear? Energizer Bunny was arrested, and charged with battery...
2 Chelemers were going to disneyland on the interstate. The exit sign said DISNEYLAND LEFT. So they start crying & turned back home.
What's the diffrence between buying the lottery and arguing with your wife ?
The lottery you have a chance of winning.
So many options: poison, pills, hanging, jumping from a bridge, but people still choose MARRIAGE to end there life with.
How can you tell when a FAX had been sent from chelemer ?
There is a stamp on the fax.
The economy in America is so bad that they can't afford a White President, so they took a cheaper brand...
Hashem asked Lakewood if thy want the Torah. They asked, "what does it say?"
Shayshes yomim taseh melacha...
They quickly said, NO!
Guy walks into a lumber yard and asks: I need 'Pupa nails'.
Cashier: What?
Guy: I need nails with small heads...
Why is mesechtas Gittin before Kidishin?
Because Hashem created the Refuah before the Makah!
Money talks,
my money always says...
"Good bye"
Did u know that Barack Obama has some Polish blood in him?
Many years ago, his African grandfather ate a Polish missionary!
Why does the Mittah of a Mes have only 2 poles, while a Chuppah has 4?
Cuz by a Levayah u bury 1 person, and by the Chuppah u bury 2!
An old cranky yid shmad himself R"l.
Someone asked him, why?
Old guy answers: "It's better another goy shtarbt than a Yid!"
What is the smallest handcuff?
A Kedushin ring.
Yonsen Schwartz composed-a gita voch,a git shabbas,a gita shu,a gita yid,a gita nigen,a gita nshama. But a gita tape he didnt compose.
The reason why Porush lost the election is because all the Yerushalmis were busy Shnuring money in America!
How does Michael Jackson pick his nose?
From a catalog.
A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's...
That's because she changes it more often.
The Iraqi gov handed Obama, list containing name & location of every terrorist currently operating in Iraq.
It's called a phone book!
What is the shinyest part of a Shartza's body?
The handcuffs!
Husband:When I get mad at u, u never fight back, how?
Wife:I clean the toilet bowl.
H:How's that help?
W:I use your toothbrush!
Why is a shver called SHVER?
A gita shver is shver tzie trefen, a shvere shver iz shver putir tzie veren.
Why didnt the Chelmer baker ever double recipes?
Cause the oven didn't go to 700 degrees.
You might be a Galitzianer if you take your garbage to the dump and bring back more than you took.
How many Chelmer does it take to make chocolate chip cookies?
Seven...
1 to make the dough and 6 to peel the M&M's.
If A Garbage truck is called a SANITATION truck, so how do you call the garbage man?
A SENATOR!
Obama complains FoxNews doesn't show enough blacks & hispanics on their network.
So Fox will now air Americas Most Wanted.
What do a Hungerian and a beer bottle have in common? They're both empty from the neck up.
I told my wife women always like to argue she replied "NOT TRUE".
Gabai giving aliya: What's your name?
Guest: Ester bas Moshe
Gabai: YOUR name!
Guest: Everything is on my wife's name.
I was just about involved in a accident, but in the last minute.....
..... I found a toilet!!
Sholom weiss asked bush to pardon him because thanks to him there is less banks to bail out.
Marriage means that someone helps you coping with all the problems you never had when you were a bocher.
If Yoshka would have been run over by a truck, would the priests wear trucks instead of crosses?
What should u do if you're in an elevator w/tiger, lion, a lawyer, & a gun w/2 bullets? Shoot the lawyer twice to make sure he's dead.
Did you know that Hellen Keller had a dog?
Well, neither did she!
Why didn't Hellen Keller know how to drive?
Because she was a woman!
My boss told me to join a class on Anger Management, but I told him I was angry enough with management as it is.
Somebody told me that he is jealous of women!
I asked him why?
He said, because they don't have a wife!!!
Doctor: I have good news and bad news:
I have to amputate one foot. Good news is, I have a customer for your shoe.
I told my wife that women always like to argue, she replied "NOT TRUE".
You can't choose your face but you can pick your nose.
Why did the Polak keep a coat hanger in his back seat?
In case he locks him self out.
Why did the Chelmer get so excited after he finished a puzzle after 6 months?
Because on the box it said for 2-4 years.
What does the liar do after he dies?
He lies still!!
How can you tell if a Chelmer has been using a computer?
There's white-out on the screen.
Two Chelmers on each side of a river, one yells "HOW DO I GET TO THE OTHER SIDE ?" the other yells "YOU'RE ALREADY THERE!
There are two kinds of people at a party, those who want to go home and those that don't. The trouble is that they are usally married.
A Yerushalmi taught his son how to be a Shnoror, told him, now i taught you job, "azoy vestee, nisht darfin tzekimn tzi andara".
What did the pencil sharpener say to the pencil?
Stop going in circles and get to the point.
A woman stole can of peaches, judge ruled as many peaches n can, that many days jail.
Husband shouted "she also stole a can of corn".
A woman stole can of peaches, judge ruled as many peaches in can, that many days jail.
Husband shouted "she also stole a can of corn".
Why is money green ?
Because the jews pick it before its ripe...
Tomchei Shabbos received a call from one of their recievers not to send food this week. They are on mid-winter vacation in Florida.
There's a way of transferring funds faster than electronic banking.
Its called marriage.
Whats the difference between Yoshke, and a picture of him?
It only takes one nail to hang the picture...
Man 2 Wife: "If 1 time my life will depend on machine, don't let me suffer, just pull the plug" His wife stands up & unplugs computer.
The best medicine for a jewish mother in the morning is...
A yellow school bus.
Due to popular demand Osem now has a new product, chocolate covered bamba, its called OBAMBA.
WARNING
Dates in calendar are closer than they appear...
The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face...
You know what I did before I got married ???
Anything I wanted to...!!!
Why are there no phone books in China?
Because there are so many Wings & Wongs that they are afraid you will Wing the Wong number.
"I applied for a job as the village idiot, but they told me I was over qualified!"
Get headaches when you are home?
Follow the instructions on the aspirin bottle
TAKE 2 ASPIRIN & KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
Husband rprts missing wife.
How long gone?
mth!
Why u wait so long?
1st thought it's a dream, then realized have no clean clothes.
Rebbe went to tashlich, chassidim were pushing 2 try 2 chap Rebbe's aveiros.
Gabbai: ''Raboisai! Shtupt nisht, s'du genug fahr alle".
What do Mexicans and cigarettes have in common?
They stink, come in packs of 20, and everyone wants them banned from public places!!!
One of the benefits of being fat is that no matter what kind of car u buy, it's always fully loaded.
They asked Obama how much he is going to spend on DEFENCE he answered: depends how BIG THE BACK YARD IS!
Diapers & Politician have to be changed often,
both for the same reason...
Yankel Miller ordered a cup of Prune juice at the restaurant.
Waiter asks: To go?
Yankel: NOT YOUR BUSINESS...!
Political Analysts: No officials want to run in the 2012 US Presidential Elections... IT BECAME A LOW CLASS JOB...
Rebbe to his Chassidim: I got good & bad news! The good is: we have money for a new building! Bad is: It's in your pocket.
Technology breakthrough!:
USA president now available in... BLACK!!
Sku#4578154EG3
Family r like slippers! U feel comfortable with them at home, & u r ashamed to go out with them in the street.
Obama drove wrong way on 1-way Street when someone shouts, "U R going wrong way"
Obama: "How do U know where I'm going?
Secret service: Obama will have less gaurds at night because its hard to shoot him when its dark.
"Bhaimeh Nikneh B'Chalipin".
Obama got elected with change!
When you see a man open a car door for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the wife is new or the car is old!!
BREAKING NEWS:
Congress just passed an anti-Obama jokes law, due to pressure from animal rights groups...
When they put Obama's portrait on the dollar bill will they still use green ink?
If Walmart is always lowering prices, why isint everything free by now?
If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?
A man sat down and was seriously staring at his marriage certificate.
Lady: "What are you looking for''?
Man: "The expiration date."
NOTICE:
Due to the meat shortage, Finkel will be reopening again.
Why do only ten percent of women go to Gan-Eden ?
Becouse if they all went, it would be gehenom...!
Why do couples hold hands after the chupah? It is just a formality, like two boxers shaking hands before fighting.
Chesed starts at home.
Don't go home.
I'm a killer, i kill people for money, but you are my friend I KILL YOU FOR FREE!!
I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll ever use it though.
I went to a garage sale and asked "How much for the garage?"
"It's not for sale."
In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends with a period. Every crime ends with a sentence.
Last week, the only savings Americans had was Daylight Savings Time. And even that they took away from us!
Doctor: U have only 6 months to live.
Patient: I'll move in with my Shvigger, cuz living with her 6 months will seem like forever.
R.I.P
Here lies one of the greatest countries in history
NAME:United States of America
BORN:1776
DIED:2008
CAUSE OF DEATH:Suicide
U have to stay in shape. My mother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She is 97 now and we have no idea where she is.
Elections '08: That's the way it goes, after the whites make a mess, you hire the black guy to clean it up...
Its cheaper to paint Obama white then to paint the White House black.
If u tell a person there r 431,084,119,737 stars - he'll believe you.
But if u tell him there's wet paint on the wall he'll touch it.
What does a black guy call his mother-in-law?
A Shnigger.
What's Sarah Palin's plans now that she lost the election?
I don't know but ' Alaska'.
What is the difference between Simba and Obama?
One is a African Lion.
The other is a Lia'n African.
Obama's new tax plan:
From now on the government keeps all paychecks and sends the working class the CHANGE they asked for!
Did you hear the white house had purchased a massive generator.
They are expecting a major black out next year
What do Obama and John F. Kennedy have in common?
Nothing yet
Fact was that mashiach was gonna come from crown heights no matter what...
Either a lubavitcher or a shvartzah!!!!!
Seen on a sign held up by a homeless man in Manhattan:
''Obama is not the only nigger who needs change".
Verizon now offers new txt messages plan: 500 Obama jokes per month, for just a dollar and change...
Congratulations! The white house has now been approved for section 8!!
What is the only white thing in the white house?
The president's teeth.
Breaking: Amshinover Rebbe just came out to endorse Mcain....
Fact was that mashiach was gonna come from crown heights no matter what...
Either a lubavitcher or a shvartzah!!!!!
Seen on a sign held up by a homeless man in Manhattan:
''Obama is not the only nigger who needs change".
Sleep well. Don't worry, Obama will not break into your house tonight, he has secret service watching him...
I don't know what the panic is all about. Have you ever heard of a Black guy keeping the same job for 4 years?
Rabbi Mordcha Dovid Unger called McCain & told him to build another white house & call himself President.
ALL WHITE PEOPLE MUST REPORT TO THE COTTON FIELDS TOMORROW MORNING AT 7AM FOR OREINTATION!
If I ever run for president, I'll make sure to pick a black guy as my vice. This way I know that no one will assassinate me!
Wife and dog missing.
Reward for dog.
Breaking News: Just leaked out McCains victory speech is just 1 word:
"blackout"...
Wife to Husband: 'Last night I dreamed of you buying me a diamond necklace'.
Husband: 'Tonight, go to sleep and enjoy it'.
What do people and jelly beans have in common? No one likes the black ones.
Wife: Why are you home so early?
Husband: My boss told me to go to gehenom...
If Obama wins, the next airplane to hit the world trade center will be "air force one".
R' Mordchai Dovid's chassidim will vote McCain & R' Ben Tzion's for Obama, because in most polls Obama is at 48 and McCain 45...
The Neturei Karta has officially endorsed Barack Obama, saying they feel he would best represent Iran's interests.
Satmar Chassidim will not vote for an american president because america doesn't want to say who's president of Satmar...
During the first depression the president promised to put chicken in everyones pot, Obama promises to put pot in everyones chicken.
With Alzheimer's at least you make new friends every day...
A Willamsburg Yungerman says ''If Obama wins, I will move to Monsey, I don't won't to live in America any more''.
Dear bank, one of my checks were returned to me 'insufficiant funds' in view of current developments, does that refer to me or to you?
Oib m'davent, MCCAIN efsher PALIN az der aibeshter zol nisht BIDEN der president far A'BHEIMA!!!!
SIGN AT CANADIAN BORDER: "OBAMA won, continue driving"
First thing Obama wants to do is Enforce all Black & White Cookies should have more black!
RY asks for Ndova, GVIR: Sorry, I lost $81 mil in the market this week. RY: REALLY!? & last year's excuse was u didn't have a penny.
Besides the bomb they strap to their chest, do you have any idea what makes these Palestinians tick?
Make sure you have marble cake this Shabbos.
L'kuvod parshas Noach.
Shiduchim is like finding parking space, good ones r always taken, rest are handicapped, but if u r Sefardi u can always double park.
When the Lubavitcher Rebbe died, R' Yankel Miller lifted said "Ribono Shel Olam we sent u our moshiach now please send yours''.
Lady: So, you want to become my son-in-law?
Boy: Not really, but I don't see any other way to marry your daughter.
What's diff betwn drunk & a Polock?
Drunk will drive through a stop sign not stopping, Polock will stop & wait 4 it to turn green.
How do you say in Yiddish "I am sorry i did not hear, can you please repeat it"?
Heh??
Obama heard on news, a Brazilian man was killed in the line of duty in Iraq. Turned to his wife and said "how much is a brazilion?"
BREAKING NEWS!!!
According to all major polls McCain is now ahead by 5%...

..Against Ralph Nader!

Shadchen: The Bochir hot zich farhart 5000 blot gmureh! Mchiten: There isn't So much blot in shas. Shadchen: He used an artscroll.
A kohen told me that he was asked to come to a gelezianer pidyon haben. He ended up adopting the baby.
Why is obama loosing black voters?
Obama stated : I will make sure, that anyone who can work will have a job.
My friend is always on time to Kollel. I get his first text each morning at exactly 10:05...
I will keep my god, my guns, and my money, you can keep the CHANGE.
What do you call an Obama victory?
A mud slide.
World stands on 3 things:
TORAH- boy has to learn.
AVODA- girl has to work.
GIMILUS CHASADIM- the parents have to support them.
Two cannibles are sitting on a log. One of them sighs "I hate my Shviger, he complains.
"Then try the potatoes," says the other.
Can you imagine how Noach felt in the "teivah" knowing that
his Shviger was left outside?
BREAKING:
Lipa endorses Obama!
Schmelzer claims we need a Shvartza in the white house to promote the right music.
Whats diff some1 in Lkwd, some1 in the ICU?
Lkwd- you in freezer waiting 4 life support.
ICU- you on life support waiting 4 freezer.
WARNING!
SCARY JOKE UP AHEAD:
Knock-Knock...
Who's there?
Eyes.
Eyes who?
Eyes gonna be yo' president!
I just want everyone to know that I will no longer be posting racist jokes...
Cuz racism is a crime,
AND CRIME IS FOR BLACK PEOPLE!
I went to a fight the other night and a hockey game broke out.
Save a cow-
eat a vegetarian!
Teacher: Did your father help you with your homework?
Student: No, he did it all by himself.
Air conditioners are like computers:
both work well until you open windows...
What is the difference between a jewler and a jailer?
One sells watches and the other one watches cells.
Father hitting his wild son, says: I am only hitting you because I love you!
Son: I wish I can show you how much I love you too...
The world's longest unanswered question is:
AISHES CHAYIL MI YIMTZA?!...
Breaking news:
Just confirmed a major mistake in this years calender and tomorrow is the first day of Slichas.
Did you hear about the guy who walked into Belz in middle of the night?
He practically woke up the entire neighborhood!
This year, due to the high gas prices,
Reform Rabbis said there is a Heter to walk to Shul on Yom Kipper.
I used to take into the bathroom with me Der Yid, then I started to
take in the Mishpacha, and now I take in "Kol Haoilum Kulo".
I heard that the Amshinover Rebbah did not blow Shofar today
in order to confuse the Satan.
The best place to Daven for Parnusa is by "Al Hatzadikim"
and have in mind "Vsim Chalkieni Emuhem"...
What is a goy missing in his life?
The joy of being Ma'vir Sedra in the weeks of Netzovim and Vayailech.
A guy was looking for his lost wallet.
His brother found it.
Now he's looking for his brother.
Insurance is like a shaitel band,
you think you are covered, but you're NOT!
You can now buy the artscroll gemorahs in polish,
If you don't have time to learn with your kid, your goyta can.
In New Skver on Rosh Hashana: The men walk on the women side and the women walk on the men side.
TZI FARMISHEN D'SUTEN.
What does Home Depot & Uman have in common?
Yo go them if you are missing a screw!
I just got back from a pleasure trip
I took my Shviger to the airport.
Marriages are completely psychological.
Trying to figure out who is "psycho", and who is "logical"!
A person who learns Daf HaYomi online
will probably grow up to be a GOOGLE B'YISROL.
I forgot to say slichos today, should I say tomorrow?
Or maybe its like sfira, if you forget to say it, you never say it again.
Whats the difference between a wife & a pack of cigarettes?
Both of them make you sick, but cigarettes at least come with a warning!
Did you hear the joke about the deaf guy and the refrigerator?
No? Well, neither did he!
How does a mexican family take a family portrait?
They get on the back of a truck and pass a red light and just wait for the mail!
McCain claims that when he was running for president in the 1920's
the economy was much worse...
Why did the Chelemer only tie one shoe?
Because the bottom said Taiwan!
I moved to a new block. Its called Wall Street. It's a competitive neighborhood, and I have to put up with the <Dow> Jones's.
Ever been offered a FREE GIFT?
What is a free gift?
Aren't all gifts free?
I believe that Barak Obama can make this country what it once was -
an Arctic region covered with ice.
Why are there so many toxic waste sites in New Jersey, and so many lawyers in Washington?
Because New Jersey got first pick!
What do you get when you cross the Atlantic with the Titanic?
About halfway!
Why don't blacks have checkbooks?
Cause it doesn't have enough space to sign their name with graffiti.
I was staring at a black guy and he turned to me
'what are you staring at?
Well that is what i am trying to figure out.
What do you get when you cross the Atlantic with the Titanic?
About halfway!
What is the difference between a cellphone and food?
One is incoming free, the other is outgoing free.
A guy comes into a gas station and asks for a box of cigarettes.
Mexican worker: ID please?
Guy replies: Green card please?
What should you do if you see your Shvigger staggering in your your backyard?
Shoot her again!
NEW TAKANOH!
Rabbonim in Lakewood have cancled ALL Chasunos until every girl finds a Shidduch!
NEW TAKANOH!
Rabbonim in Lakewood have cancled ALL kollel, until every yungermon finds a parking space!
NEW TAKANOH!
Rabbonim in Lakewood have cancled ALL boys high schools till they find Bocherim.
I thought I saw Obama on the train yesterday
it was a black guy looking for change.
Woman are like alarm clock.
they talk & talk & talk & talk & talk & talk & talk & talk
until you fall back asleep.
Don't forget to pay your taxes...
12 million illegal aliens are depending on you!
Raboisy Zeit Mispalel, Es Is An Ais Rutzen. M'Ken Poylen.
(McCain-Palin)
A man buying a TV asks a black salesman, "where was it manufactured?". Salesman answers, "uh - it says right here: Built in antenna".
Walking down street, I saw 6 men punching & kicking my Shiviger. My wife turns & asks "wont you go help?" I said "no, 6 is enough".
What did one tzahraas say to the other tzahraas?
Whats up negah!
What did 1 pair of tfilin say to the other pair of tfilin?
We will be bi'kesher.
If Labor Day means not going to work,
then Mexicans must celebrate it every day!
What is the difference between Obama and a bucket of shmitz?
The bucket.
Artscroll has just released a Yom Kipur Machzor with colored pictures
of the Al Cheits...
Cop to cleaning lady: Why did you steal the Gemara?
Lady: My husband has trouble sleeping and I always see men sleeping over it.
A Chasid came onto a bus with his 10 kids.
The driver asked him,"Why didn't you leave half of them home?"
Chasid: That's what I did.
A guy was listening to music in 9 days, someone asked him, how can you listen?
He answered, I stepped on the CD before I listened.
Some men join the army because they are single & they like war.
Other men join the army because they're married & they like peace.
They asked a 5 year old kid in Fallsburg "do you smoke"?
He answered "no, I stopped 3 years ago."
Shlome hamelech was smart enough to manage with 1000 wives,
but how did he manage with 1000 Shvigers?
Tisha BeAv is like a hotel!
Everybody is walking around with slippers and asking "when are we going to eat".
How are shidduchim like kriyas yam suf?
"ilu nussan luno es memoinam, vlo kara lanu es hayom, dayeinu"
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